Sunday 15 November 1998

Same place as yesterday—maybe a little more time to write. Anyway, Heather started shooting this film last weekend, and that's why we were watching that film last week. I wasn't here on the set, at this apartment last weekend, though. I went to some things at the Northwest Film Festival. I went to see John Pierson, the famous producer's rep, and his wife Janet give a talk and show excerpts from their TV show about independent filmmaking called Split-Screen. John helped us with our American Job movie—helped us get into festivals, met with companies, though we didn't ultimately sell it.

After the thing was over, I went out for coffee and drinks with them, and then to dinner, before going back to the theater for short films. John is really funny and entertaining, Janet's really nice, they're both just really into movies and great to talk to about all kinds of movie stuff. Plus, we were gossiping quite a bit, and gossip really makes the world go 'round, as you know.

After saying good-bye, I returned to the set, and they were just finished. I gave Jordy a ride home and then went over to Heather's Dad's house, as her grandparents are visiting. Sunday, I gave Jordy a ride to the set again. That's about all I did, I guess. Went home, and then went to a movie—Velvet Goldmine, which I really liked. I just got the strong sense that Todd Haynes and I had some really strong childhood responses to the glam rock era—which has led him to make this big, messy, obsessive film about it, and which led me to go into a 30 year mourning for the end of rock'n'roll as I always thought it should be, or was, or what was important about it or good about it. I wrote somewhere else that in the far future, they'll look back at the essence of rock'n'roll as men dressing up like women.

Then I took Jordy home again, and we were talking about that movie, which she hasn't seen yet, and I felt such an exhilaration about it. I've really had a good time talking to her, so much that I've been shifting from the feeling of just having a big crush on her (because, who wouldn't?—I mean, she's just so, not only beautiful, but also so open—like that Marilyn Monroe quality that puts her—at least to me, on an entirely different plane than anyone else). So anyway, I'm just increasingly liking her more and more, to the extent that it's less like a crush (which is a concept I've dispensed with anyway) and more like being just totally in love. Which is kind of sad, because I don't imagine she will feel anything about me, except maybe I'm a nice person, which just has to be enough for me, because that's the way the world is. I guess, anyway, I just kind of decided not to have any kind of normal relationship anyway—in the time since I've recovered from breaking up with Heather. I know that's what everyone says, I know, until they meet someone. But then, I'm always meeting two people at once, I mean, falling in love with two people at once, so it doesn't really even apply in a way, it's just a thing I can't trust—it's a thing I can't trust—love is—it's just an out-of-control state. This is the magic notebook—whenever I want things to move along—I start to write in it and then everything changes and I don't have time to write anymore—so that's the case now—so I'll talk about love and falling in love with two people at once all the time, and all that, later.