Monday, March 18, 2019

Thursday 12 November 1998 – 1 A.M.

I'm sitting on the front porch after a long day working, and then going to a film and video editing place with Heather to look at her film that she shot last weekend on the first weekend of shooting her movie. I all looked great. It's all very exciting. I could almost forget my own obsessions for awhile.

But now I'm back here sitting on the porch, writing in my notebook. Why? For one thing, because it just won't do to sit in my apartment and write in a notebook—I don't know why—maybe because the other writing tools are in the apartment—the computer, the typewriters. Also, there's a certain exhilaration to being out in public—even if it is just on the porch. For me, that's the way it's always been. I can write in bars, and coffee shops, diners and restaurants, laundromats and train stations—better than at home. But then also there's this other reason, which I've bean avoiding, and that's the terrible beating my heart's been taking ever since I feel in love with the girl who works at the bar, The Hurst, across the street. I say girl rather than woman, I don't know why. Because I feel like I'm in fourth grade. But I say I'm in love rather than I have a crush because I'm very serious, and it's no little thing. I think you can say you're in love with someone even if you don't tell them, and even if they're not in love with you. I think you can say that. I don't know what the rules are, but I know there aren't any rules.

It's a long story and it was easier saying I was in Portland, Maine because there wasn't any background. Now it's like I'm a complete new person. But I'm still a character. Plus, I'm kind of of afraid to talk about this stuff because it might ruin my chances ever of... Whatever—what is it that I want, anyway? I don't know. I'll just use first names, and of course this disclaimer (this is a work of fiction, etc.) and any lawyers who approach me had better do it with a pay-check and nothing like a subpoena, or you might find yourself flying (lawyers!).

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